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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29474424">The Hands Of A Killer</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/k7r4/pseuds/k7r4'>k7r4</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>The Transformers (IDW Generation One)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Bad Dreams, Canon-Typical Violence, Dreams, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Home, Kind of a songfic, Lost Light, M/M, Religion, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Acceptance, Self-Discovery, Self-Doubt, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Hatred, The Transformers: More Than Meets the Eye (IDW), The relationships other than Dratchet are barely there</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-02-15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-02-15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-15 21:55:09</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Graphic Depictions Of Violence</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>6</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>7,609</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29474424</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/k7r4/pseuds/k7r4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>What happens when you see your hands and only see the hands of a killer? Can a killer heal others? Or even themself?</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Brainstorm/Perceptor (Transformers), Cyclonus/Tailgate (Transformers), Drift | Deadlock/Ratchet, Megatron/Rodimus | Rodimus Prime</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>15</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. WHO AM I?</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Hi! As always, feedback is really appreciated. </p><p>Those parts between "" at the beginning of every chapter belong to the song "Creep" by Radiohead.</p><p>Also: Joors means hours, nanokliks means seconds and cycles means days.</p><p>Hope you enjoy!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“When you were here before</p>
<p>couldn’t look you in the eye</p>
<p>you´re just like an angel</p>
<p>your skin makes me cry”</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“You stupid and stubborn glitch, if I hear ONE more time about that slag I swear to-“</p>
<p>Ratchet and Drift were discussing after the swordsmech brute awakening from a recharge flux, as they usually did lately since the medic had gotten restless of his companion in this weird trip getting himself into this kind of self demoting situations.</p>
<p>“About WHAT, Ratchet?! About how my life was all about killing those of your kind?! Torture them?! Play with their bodies?! Enjoy seeing how my bullets cut through the very sparks that fought to maintain them online?!”</p>
<p>Drift stood up from where he was still seated on his provisional berth after saying so while Ratchet remained surprisingly kind of sitting in the edge of a middle size desk where he ended up after entering the habsuite and having to wait for the speedster to calm down and talk to him. Although he did start to strongly grab the edges of it after Drift started talking “bullshit” (Ratchet’s own previous words) about himself.</p>
<p>“That was fragging thousands of years ago, it has literally nothing to do with you now!”</p>
<p>“IT HAS, I'M THE SAME FRAGGING BOT. NOT BETTER-“<br/>That same dream was coming back to him. Flowers. An endless field of blue flowers. The Lost Light and someone else…the Decepticons? He didn’t understand but he knew that wasn’t a simple dream.<br/>“-NOT WORSE. THE SAME.”</p>
<p>He decided not to tell Ratchet about it. What were they going to do anyways?</p>
<p>“You're not and I honestly DON'T now how to tell you t-”</p>
<p>“Tell me what?! You are a medic, Ratchet! You still grieve, mourn and blame yourself for all the lives you lost even when you were trying to save them! Or do you really think no one notices how you barely recharge and when you do, you come out worse than before? How you make every distraction possible to do not think about those you lost at your care? How you are so detached from yourself unless it involves your function?”</p>
<p>Ratchet’s engine revved up a little to that. He knew what Drift was trying to do.</p>
<p>“It's fragging different, you didn't know what you were doing. You weren't MADE to kill. But I was made to save, to heal. And I couldn't even do that. I had to hear each plea coming out of almost completely grey frames who nanokliks before were of radiant colors, that didn't know more than to recite how much they wanted to live, how they wanted anything but to die like this. And I still let them go. I still FAILED at my own function. At what I do every single cycle since I was created.”</p>
<p>“You think I didn't hear pleas?”</p>
<p>For all the anger and rage the medic was feeling right now, he truly didn't have a loud and confronting answer for that.  And so, he just looked at the floor, almost as if he was embarrassed.</p>
<p>“Mechs trusted you. Mechs saw you and saw salvation.”</p>
<p>“But I wasn't it most of the times.”</p>
<p>“It doesn't matter, because when they saw at my optics, they saw death, dread and fear in themselves. Even my own allies. The ones who weren’t  supposed to be my enemies.  Why should an assassin like me go on with his life? Why should I pretend maybe someday I’ll get to save more people than I already killed? Who am I supposed to BE?!”</p>
<p>Ratchet grounded himself at that. His optics pierced on the other’s this time and the next things he said weren't in the same enraged tone as before.</p>
<p>“You're supposed to not be a fragging sparkling about it and get ahead of yourself for once. You can't even take control of your life, all that bullshit about religion and beliefs? It's only an excuse for you to look away from your past. Maybe it's time you stop running. Because for all you have tried to make this about me, I am not the one making all their life about how to avoid the guilt that consumes him faster than scraplets and calling it a “salvation” or an “awakening”. Because, honestly, this is everything but that. You are letting the guilt blind you, make you weak, distract you and, finally, taking you to a place where you’re of no use to anyone. I know damn well you were the one proposing the idea of getting yourself blamed for the whole Overlord thing. And if that’s what your stupid beliefs are telling you to do then frag them, because you’re losing the control over your own spark just to run quicker than the past who will always try to incapacitate you and, right now, you’re accomplishing nothing by sitting in a corner and cr-“</p>
<p>He stopped his own words this time. He didn’t hear Drift’s engine revving up angrily anymore, and for such a heated argument, it was awfully quiet. So when he finally focused his optics on the figure in front of him again, he could not help but feel like a failure. </p>
<p>He had failed to heal someone. To save someone from bleeding out from a wound he couldn’t and didn’t know how to patch. Again. </p>
<p>And he wished this would have been the first time he saw those blue optics so hurt because of something he said to him. Because of something his lost temper lied about.</p>
<p>Drift was taking little and trembling steps away from him. Watching at the ground with horrified optics. He remembered a memory flux he had some cycles ago. His inner voice kept repeating the word “useless” in his head. He wasn’t listening to the medic anymore.</p>
<p>“I didn't mean-“</p>
<p>But before he could end his sentence, the speedster was already transforming and racing to a place where he couldn’t reach him as easily. As if he had something to run away from.  As if Ratchet was about to hurt him or… or… whatever Drift was afraid of him doing.</p>
<p>But he had already hurt him, hadn’t he?</p>
<p>His purpose was to get him back to the Lost Light. Back to where he belonged. How did they end up like this? How did the medic accomplish to utterly fail at that? To make his friend wish the exact opposite of coming back to a place where “no one wanted or deserved his useless presence” (by Drift’s own words, just before they started this whole mess)?<br/>The medic threw himself at the berth with absolutely no grace and just…sat there.</p>
<p>And then, alone and unable to step out of this damn ship unless he wanted to dance around an endless darkness, Ratchet considered that, maybe, only maybe, they were both wrong and correct at the same time, about the wrong things and in the wrong order.</p>
<p>Meanwhile, Drift decided all by himself to change the route of their travel. He needed a rest. But did that world really mean a rest to him? Was he sure he wasn’t doing this to keep running away from a crew that surely didn’t want him back? Or to torture himself in new ways? </p>
<p>He didn’t know. He didn’t have an answer for a question that had been in his processor for way too long. </p>
<p>He could only hope he was ready to confront this.<br/>As always.</p>
<p>But he wasn’t quite alone as the other times, he glanced at the open door of his provisional habsuite. Ratchet was probably blaming himself by now. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>They certainly were quite a pair…</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. SONDER</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Sonder: The profound feeling of realizing that everyone, including strangers passed in the street, has a life as complex as one's own, which they are constantly living despite one's personal lack of awareness of it.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"You float like a feather</p><p>in a beautiful world.</p><p>I wish I was special</p><p>you're so fuckin' special"</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>After Ratchet awkwardly apologized to Drift, they didn't really talk to each other for cycles.</p><p>Although they technically did with basics things such as small talk to fill the awkward silence or requirements for the ship. But never too much, never too deep.</p><p>And definitely never about how Drift still wasn't capable to engage in a deep and peaceful recharge.</p><p>Ratchet didn't talk to him because he was too ashamed and afraid of what his words could break again to realize Drift wasn't broken or hurt by his sayings. The speedster didn't because he knew those were lies, things the medic didn't mean but that his problems and continue chase for forgiveness had made him say. </p><p>Drift wasn't that fragile, he had been a mech inside the three factions of the war so at this point, kind words were a luxury for him. His beliefs weren't that fragile either. And one of them lied in the potential kindness of all individuals, including Ratchet. Hell, especially Ratchet.</p><p>But the medic didn't know that. And so he fell in recharge feeling horrible, guilty and powerless, again. </p><p>When he finally onlined his optics, he was... Surprised to say the least and going to murder Drift to say something else. They were on Earth. The swordsmech had redirected the ship and landed without his approval or even knowledge. </p><p>And even in that circumstance, he didn't find it in himself to be angry at him. But on the other hand, he really had been THAT distracted lately, huh? He didn't realize the slightest of changes in anything and yet here they were. On a world he never imagined to be back.</p><p>He started looking for his partner, now alarmed of the location of their ship. After all, he remembered how hell had broken loose on this planet for the presence of indiscreet and undesired Cybertronians that were discovered by the wrong kind of people.</p><p>But when he got out he didn't quite expected the view.</p><p>A beautiful and gigantic field of light-blue flowers surrounded the figure of a meditating, relaxed and peaceful Drift. Almost as if he was a flower himself.</p><p>And he found that image... even more beautiful. The predominantly white frame added a peace to that place that was difficult to miss. Even for someone who lacked the ability to see or sense auras or whatever stuff Drift was always talking about.</p><p>But his partner could. And that's why he turned enough to see him after a nanoklik. And after a surprised look, he gave Ratchet one of his best reserved smiles. </p><p>A deeply sad smile.</p><p>Ratchet's spark gave in a little. Was he the reason of that emotion?</p><p>Something in the way the speedster hurried to his side made him think it was not the case. Not this time at least.</p><p>“Earth? Really?”</p><p>The "couldn't have you picked a world less... Against us?" part went unsaid. Although maybe there wasn't a planet where they were welcomed anymore. Not even their own.</p><p>“Well, I have a thing for the planet. We won't stay long if that's what worries you.”</p><p>“You dragged me here to see the view, then?”</p><p>“Maybe. Maybe not.”</p><p>He turned his helm to the flowers. And that sad smile met the surface once again. </p><p>“You like it?”</p><p>“Hm. I have to admit it is a good view.”</p><p>“I'm glad then. This kind of flower is called "Nemophilas". I think they are... A kind of beautiful that's difficult to understand.”</p><p>Ratchet fixed his optics on him. Drift didn't seem to notice.</p><p>“They make you remember of something.”</p><p>Drift's usually quiet and controlled EM field grew a little uneasy. </p><p>“They do.”</p><p>The speedster's optics fixed on the other's. And Ratchet didn't see bright, calm and peaceful optics. They seemed like starts flickering. </p><p>So beautiful and so sad at the same time. Just like the field in front of them.</p><p>Just like everything else about this rotten universe.</p><p>Ratchet noticed how Drift didn't want to explain himself, so he did it instead.</p><p>“You know... Earth sometimes reminds me of... Life.”</p><p>But his EM field told another story. </p><p>“In a bad way?”</p><p>“I don't really know how to put it but-“ Ratchet's optics went to the flowers once again. They were magnetising- “you could say it like that. It reminds me of the beauty of life. Its constant fight to keep living, its unconsumed flame. But also... its fragility. Its short time. Its never ending death. Its unconditional winter even in the depth of its sun.”</p><p>Drift's optics suddenly stopped just seeing the mech beside him to actually watch the whole picture.</p><p>Ratchet in the center of it, surrounded by so, so many of those flowers. The same ones that were embracing him before, now looked even more beautiful in the background.</p><p>And sad.</p><p>And tragic</p><p>And horrible.</p><p>And Drift remembered something. A feeling. A powerful enough feeling to explain what he was thinking about right now.</p><p>Wing once explained the concept of it to him. With kind and poetic words. And he realized he had experienced it many times. With strangers, former allies, and a long list of etceteras. But right now, when he was finally seeing what Ratchet meant by being so miserable even while being the medic that has saved millions, the words became crude, ruthless and unforgivable.</p><p>He healed ten and he failed to save one hundred. </p><p>He took one spark out of the Pit and he lost ten to the Well.</p><p>It was indeed a dangerous bet. </p><p>And only now did he understand.</p><p>How an assassin and a medic could be so far apart and so close at the same time.</p><p>“And you love life but hate its fragility.”</p><p>Ratchet didn't show any emotion at that. </p><p>“You could say so.”</p><p>“Because you see yourself as a destructor. A breaker. An evil.”</p><p>Or at that. </p><p>“Because you see your hands and you can't remember all the life you have saved.”</p><p>Oh but he definitely did at that. </p><p>"Because you see your hands and only see the hands of a killer" went unsaid. They both knew it and didn't dare to say it out loud at the same time.</p><p>They locked their optics together. Intertwined in the air they didn't need to survive. Ratchet understood those words were the ones Drift has been dreaming about this whole time. </p><p>“...Yes.”</p><p>What were they then? Killers? Saviours? The CMO and the TIC of the Lost Light? Autobots? Defenders? Wrong? Right?</p><p>But at the end, Drift knew one thing. What they could be. What he could be. </p><p>He knew the flowers he saw in his dream weren't these ones. And he knew the Lost Light was in danger. </p><p>He could save lives. </p><p>That day, Drift didn't want to go inside the ship. So he stayed right there. Where the judging optics of innocent beings could go right through him, without a protection he didn't deserve. </p><p>That day, Ratchet didn't leave his side. But grey and recharging optics are usually the most thinking ones. The most grieving ones.</p><p>That day, neither of them really recharged. They simply thought about words that were too complicated to put together when you were awake. About how sorrowed it is, when there's a piece you can't catch, a puzzle you can't have. An imminent crave to fix others. To glue them together. To do not let them fall apart. </p><p>And in the end you understand. There's no stopping to these shaking hands. You need to heal. You need to break. But do not be someone else's fairy tale. </p><p>Because a broken spark loves others as much as broken legs carry foreign weight.</p><p> </p><p>They don't. Not if you want to keep walking in the end.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>And that, they finally understood.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>The nemophilia flowers: https://twitter.com/GodsWhisper__/status/1341372245093048321?s=19</p><p>If you still don’t understand the reference, check out the transformers related replies.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. TIRED AND INSECURE</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"But I'm a creep,</p><p>I'm a weirdo.</p><p>What the hell am I doin' here?</p><p>I don't belong here"</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Drift was kind of tired. This planet drained him. Too many memories. Too much input. Too much past. The universe was glad to let him live in the present, the endless void didn't judge him, the distant worlds never catched his spark. </p><p>But he stayed. There was something he needed to settle here, rather than somewhere within the bliss of an ignorant peace. </p><p>And... no. He wasn't talking about their ship. Although it did need some care. </p><p>“Ratchet, don't you think we should stop more often to ask for someone to check our ship? We have the credits and honestly, I barely know how to make it functional.”</p><p>“Hm.”</p><p>An absent nod and that sound of indifferent agreement were his only answer. The speedster would normally let it go, it was obvious that the medic's processor was somewhere else (apart from the task he was currently fulfilling, which was to search for an object Drift didn't know about. Probably something medical) but this was a serious matter and they were alone, no one else to talk to about it.</p><p>“Do you know any particular place?”</p><p>“I know a lot of places but I'm sure anywhere would probably be fine. It's a standard ship after all.” </p><p>With the gesture of a servo dismissing him and his concerns, Drift reached the end of his patience. He would go to meditate or simply do anything that didn't involve having to bother a Ratchet that seemed so focused on ignoring whatever he said to him. He could try again later. </p><p>He decided to meditate in his quarters after concluding that doing so in the middle of the beautiful field outside the ship would be too distracting for him. </p><p>But honestly? He was the one distracted. He started a joor ago and still couldn't escape from his own thoughts involving a bot that was only a few meters away from him. </p><p>He was tired. They usually weren't like this, discussing deep matters by either shouting at each other or simply stare. Part of Drift wished to go back, to a past where things were simpler, where Ratchet didn't tolerate him, yelled at him whenever the speedster talked about literally anything and mistrusted him. But no. Drift had started to talk back after Ratchet came to find him. The only reason why he didn't dare to before was because the ex-Con didn't want to cause anything that put Autobots more at edge around him and because he only talked like this when he considered the other bot a friend.</p><p>And now he unconsciously started to think of Ratchet as a friend... Because... That's what they were, right..? Was Ratchet really his friend? Maybe they weren't. Maybe the medic was here just to rescue another poor soul. They could still be friends tho, even if Ratchet only stayed with him to have something to fix. </p><p>But would he truly want to fix him again? After what happened in Rodion? What assured Drift that Ratchet didn't regret saving him? After all... A lot of his comrades and friends were lost because of his hands.</p><p>These hands that only remember how to kill. </p><p>Now he was staring at them again. With hate and deep rage. </p><p>Why? Why would Ratchet want him back in the Lost Light? Why would anyone at all?</p><p>What was Drift to them? To Ratchet? To Rodimus? To himself?</p><p>The war was no more, but that didn't mean Drift's insecurities banished out of existence. It wasn't something you could kill or defeat, it took time, patience and a self-love he didn't have.</p><p>He doubted he ever had it anyways.</p><p>And while he had understood that everyone had a thing they couldn't forgive themselves for (in different scales, of course), it was still hard to do not think of yourself just as the one you were on the past. Who was him now? He had thought changing his designation would be the answer and it was. A dismissive answer. </p><p>Drift took a deep breath, grounding himself and onlining his optics. </p><p>Beautiful blue optics welcomed the darkness filling the room and tossed aside the one threatening his spark. </p><p>He had time and patience. He could do this. He was certain there will be a time where he could see his hands and see nothing more than live metal. </p><p>For now, though, a knock at his door distracted him.</p><p>“Drift, you fragging glitch, are you there?! Don't you dare to forget to fuel again! Get out of there!”</p><p>The speedster sighed, he did understand he lost track of time without realizing but that didn't give the medic the right to remember him, again, about how he had forgot to refuel when he was alone. It had happened only once! </p><p>Nevertheless, he opened the door.</p><p>“Ratchet, despite your strong beliefs to think otherwise, I can assure you I'm not a sparkling and know how to take care of myself.”</p><p>“Keep repeating that and maybe you'll get to believe it.”</p><p>The medic turned and started to walk to where they usually fueled together, obviously wanting the speedster to follow him. </p><p>And so he did. But in the meantime he was having fun while trying to remember a concept of the humans... What was the word..? Ah yes, a drama queen. </p><p>It did define the medic perfectly.</p><p>He kept watching his backplates, now with a smile in his face. It was nice for someone to care about him for a change. </p><p>Despite the quite narrow hallways, he felt a lot more of freedom than is his (not so spacious either, but more than this) habsuite. Usually he didn't come out of his predatory thoughts so easily and he wanted to believe it was a sign of how much he was calming down since Ratchet notified him they were getting close to the Lost Light. </p><p>When they finally sat, Drift pronounced the magic words.</p><p>“Did I miss something while I was out of the Lost Light?”</p><p>And that set a long talk. They talked about everything and nothing at the same time. Both their tired minds were somewhere else. Although this time wasn't uncomfortable like cycles ago. They had understood each other yesterday but now they were just... drained. </p><p>And it was odd, because the war didn't let you get drained. It dragged you on and on into an endless and addictive adrenaline, where you didn't think, you didn't feel. You just did things that needed to be done and that's it. </p><p>But now... Everything is so futile and so valuable at the same time.</p><p>Being more than just soldiers obeying orders... Is that even a thing anymore?</p><p>“...yeah but all the fun was cut off when Megatron went in. All of them apparently couldn’t stop looking at the new badge on him. Or so I heard, I was in the medbay at that time. Fixing Whirl. For the third time on that cycle. Rodimus didn't even think when he allowed that lunatic to go near Brainstorm and his stupid experiments. At least when Perceptor came back he p-“</p><p>He heard silence. Drift wasn't exactly noisy but you could at least tell he was there. But now? It sounded like he was all alone in that rather small room. </p><p>Had he said anything wrong? Again?</p><p>Finally, he dared to look back in his friend's direction.</p><p>Drift was also looking at him. </p><p>“What do you mean Megatron?”</p><p>Right... Ratchet had been trying so hard to do not mention him in order to wait for Drift to calm down a little more (he has made great progress since he came here, but not enough to tell him about Megatron yet) but he was so tired it slipped out of his glossa without noticing... </p><p>“Yeah... Long story. Do you… want me to-“</p><p>“No. Thanks.”</p><p>The swordsmech thought about how even Megatron could reach the other limit just to save some miserable lives. He had heard rumours about it but never fully believed it. It was all true: if the leader of the Decepticons could change, why couldn't he? Why was he so attached to the chains that refrained him from doing the right things just because he was wrong for millions of years before?</p><p>Drift sighed and to the medic, it seemed like he was trying to ground himself. </p><p>“I will entertain myself with an out of context image of Megatron wearing an Autobot badge for now.” </p><p>The speedster smiled kind of ironically and Ratchet chuckled and proceeded to take his last drip of Energon.</p><p>Finally, some sense of humour.</p><p>“Good. I didn't want to talk about him anyways honestly.”</p><p>“I know. You don't like ex-cons.”</p><p>For a moment, Ratchet thought he was serious and was about to argue. But Drift lifted up his optics to look directly at him with a grin on his face.</p><p>Ratchet lifted an optic ridge at the realization of Drift's joke.</p><p>“Yeah... Rodimus didn't seem too happy about the idea at the beginning either. He can be stupid sometimes but he does have some common reasoning so of course he didn't like him.”</p><p>“Didn’t? What happened between them for him to be in good terms with Megatron now?”</p><p>“Well... You'll know when we get there.”</p><p>“When we get there...”</p><p>A little voice in both their helms said "home" in a similar calmed and quiet tone.</p><p>Finally, a calmed and quiet voice after all this storm.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. DEADLOCK</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"But I'm a creep,</p><p>I'm a weirdo.</p><p>What the hell am I doin' here?</p><p>I don't belong here"</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Time passed more quickly since that. And they were on their separate ways. </p><p>Ratchet decided to stretch his legs and so he went on a drive. Drift didn't want to, he wished to enjoy the flowers for all the time he could, or that's what the medic thought, he didn't really understood what those flowers meant to the swordsmech. Or what they resembled. </p><p>He went on his alt-mode. Never planning on changing back to root mode. And he hadn't even felt the need to in his whole travel (which was a good few hours long already), so he was relieved. He felt light and good. The sun on this planet hit in a really good way on his plating (although Cybertronians didn't really feel temperature) but he couldn't fully enjoy it. He had been unable to enjoy anything since he heard a human talk about a specific thing. A thing he wanted out of his processor, permanently. </p><p>He had gone on a zone full of humans. He didn't particularly mind, he knew he could blend in. Although unconsciously, he did. He wanted to know what happened to this planet after they left, he still cared for them (even if the majority of them didn't). And so he tried to listen in on random conversations. </p><p>Everything was pretty calm and reassuring until...</p><p>"Hey, did you see the new movie?"</p><p>"Which one? There are a lot of new movies you know."</p><p>"The most famous one! Everyone is talking about it!"</p><p>"Oh, Deadlock, isn't it? Well, I have heard about it but I didn't have the time t-"</p><p>Ratchet stopped listening at that point. Too summed up on his own thoughts, he began driving back to the little ship, almost forgetting he was supposed to act accordingly to human traffic laws. </p><p>...What would he do? Drift said he didn't want to go out today, but he would definitely go tomorrow. He didn't want him to hear that name again. Not now. Not when he was finally finding a home in himself. </p><p>He could say nothing. Maybe the swordsmech won't even remember that he wanted to go out tomorrow if the medic didn't mention it...</p><p>...maybe.</p><p>When Ratchet finally reached the ship, Drift was already in recharge. But he couldn't bring himself to do the same thing. He was thinking about too many things at once; for example, how he would completely mess up if he decided to distract Drift out of the idea of going on a drive. But then again, maybe the speedster would take it as he took the "Megatron being an Autobot" thing, maybe he wouldn't care at all about that name being casually mentioned. </p><p>And that brought another insecurity to his helm.</p><p>Did he not care about Megatron? Was Ratchet sure about it? Or did Drift not trust him enough to tell him? He didn't know... And he was afraid of the answer.</p><p>The swordsmech was doing a lot better lately and this could bring everything down. Bring HIM down. And the medic didn't want that, he didn't want Drift to suffer more than he already did on his own.</p><p>And while Ratchet was setting on his berth, he thought one last thing.</p><p>He came here to help Drift, to making him come back to the Lost Light but what if it was all wrong? What if... Drift didn't want to be here with him, about to come aboard that damn ship again and have to face that stupid and flamboyant captain who did him so wrong in the (not-quite) past?</p><p>He gave in to recharge while those last words kept hurting his processor. He recharged poorly, of course.</p><p>When he came back online, he didn't have the time to remember about anything that happened on or after that drive because after seeing the not-so slightly damaged ceiling, he realized how many things they had yet to repair, buy and etc. </p><p>And so the Hatchet met the surface again.</p><p>He wasn't furious at Drift exactly, he just was. And when he saw that exact mech calmly fueling, he went on full rage mode about how they had missed this, and how would they would they even make it before reaching the Lost Light and a lot of more concerns.</p><p>Drift wasn't really listening to him. He knew about everything he said and was going to say. They were all the same things he had said to the medic cycles ago and got dismissed about. </p><p>So he waited for Ratchet to finish. He actually liked hearing him talk. </p><p>And he liked all the "kid"s he was getting. He liked the nickname because it was something Ratchet was so adamant about even if it had no actual logic behind due to their ages only being a few years apart (which for Cybertronians, is a really small gap). </p><p>When he saw the medic was finally calming down (after even complaining about how fast and messy the route of the Lost Light was and how it was all its flawed and stupid captain's fault), only there did Drift started to talk about how he had sorted this out already but wanted his opinions on a few things he wasn't sure about.</p><p>“So you just waited for me to realize about the state of the ship, worry, get angry, yell at you and THEN tell me about how you already knew this?”</p><p>With one of his best smiles, Drift responded.</p><p>“Well, I wouldn't say it like t-“</p><p>“Just get on with it already.”</p><p>And with that, a long talk was set. </p><p>They talked about a lot of things. And Ratchet was surprised about how much the speedster knew about enginery and technology. </p><p>“Oh that? Well, Perceptor and I weren't really friends but we used to talk and he taught me a few things.”</p><p>“Never thought Perceptor would be one of the friendly type.”</p><p>“He isn't. He's just practical.” </p><p>With a shrug of shoulders, Drift convinced Ratchet of it. It was weird to think about them as friends but... Oh well. He had seen Megatron with an Autobot badge, he had seen it all already.</p><p>After that, the speedster convinced Ratchet to take a break and finally have his after-recharge fuel in a peaceful way. So Drift left the room excusing himself with something about his meditation routine.</p><p>Concepts the medic knew nothing about but didn't care anyways. </p><p>How was First Aid doing? Did he need any supplies? Was he ok? Had he been able to take his former position? Had they encountered Pharma again?</p><p>...he had talked to Drift about this too. They should buy some things for the Lost Light. After all, that big and full of idiots ship didn't stop so often for them to have the correct amount of medical supplies.</p><p>Ratchet sighed remembering the beginning of this travel. When Drift and him were still injured and with damaged frames but no medical supplies that he could work with so they decided to simply go somewhere. The swordsmech took advantage of the situation and pleaded Ratchet for both of them to get new frames. He said they didn't need anything fancy, just new.</p><p>"Anything fancy my aft..."</p><p>The medic wasn't really surprised Drift chose THAT kind of new frame. He was so close at being Rodimus' Amica Endurae for a reason, but that didn't mean he wasn't surprised at the moment.</p><p>Drift said the design Ratchet chose for himself was on point too. He said his chevron looked even better now. </p><p>And the medic took that compliment with a silent nod. He was trying to do not be so obvious about how Drift had left a blank space on his chestplate, right where his badge should be.</p><p>But he didn't want the speedster to notice him staring so he simply acted like he didn't care about the new frames at all.</p><p>"Hey, maybe we could also-"</p><p>His daydreaming was suddenly cut off by the voice of the present Drift who was standing in the door, trying to talk to him about the things their little ship needed and how a formal list would be very much appreciated, after all, tomorrow was the last cycle on Earth and they needed to put things in order.</p><p>And so they did. They went around the ship trying to catch everything that needed their attention but Ratchet was still distracted thinking about what got him into a daydream a moment ago because everytime he had Drift's chestplate in his vision range he looked at it and wondered if the speedster would ever be an Autobot again. It didn't matter anymore, the war was over and no one needed to belong somewhere now. He was free now, they all were.</p><p>So why had he left that space like that? Maybe the medic was overthinking this. Maybe Drift just did it out of habit and that was it. Honestly? He had no idea but somewhere inside him, he wanted to see his friend wearing the Autobot badge again while still knowing how this was no one but Drift's decision and he shouldn't comment on it. </p><p>And Ratchet realized that no one ever really understood what peace after a war would feel like, because they always imagined a flawless world, a beautiful universe. What could go more wrong than a war, right? What could go more wrong than being tortured, terrified, seeing all your friends die and your city falling? Your whole planet falling?</p><p>Rodimus was wrong. They weren't seeing the universe without a gun in their hand. </p><p>They knew they would get another cycle to live. For four million years, they finally could say they would probably be online by tomorrow.</p><p>So why didn't it feel right?</p><p>The war was over. And what? They weren't soldiers anymore. And what? What were they? Who were they? </p><p>Is this what peace felt like? </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Like a blank space in your chestplate?</p>
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<a name="section0005"><h2>5. KINTSUKUROI</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Kintsukuroi means “a piece becomes more beautiful when it breaks” (kind of...)</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"I don't care if it hurts</p><p>I wanna have control,</p><p>I want a perfect body,</p><p>I want a perfect soul.</p><p>I want you to notice</p><p>When I'm not around.</p><p>So fuckin' special</p><p>I wish I was special"</p><p>But he suddenly lost track of his thoughts the exact moment he felt Drift's gaze on him and realized he must have been staring for too long at that damn place in that new frame of his, so to stop the speedster from discovering what the medic was thinking about, he completely distracted himself and chose to do not answer the question his companion did to him about what happened and if there was something wrong.</p><p>After that, Drift followed with his explanation that he had probably been giving since a long time ago. And Ratchet had heard nothing of it, so he stopped dwelling on that reflection out of respect for what the swordsmech was saying to him. </p><p>The cycle went on and they were still sorting out the way of getting those supplies without getting too far from the route of the Lost Light. They didn't really mind, they hadn't been this busy for a long time and coming back to "normal" had an oddly comforting effect on them both.</p><p>When it was already morning for the humans in that place, they decided to finally take a break, which was Ratchet's cue to have an Energon treat (he wasn't so fond of them but he really craved for some from time to time) while Drift excused himself to his habsuite for a couple of minutes. The medic sighed in tiredness and said out loud the first thought that crossed his mind.</p><p>"Better than an Energon treat would be a long, nice drive."</p><p>But as soon as he pronounced the last word, he almost choked on his fuel when he heard Drift's footsteps way too close. </p><p>"Why don't we go on that drive, then? I could use one too."</p><p>Ratchet mentally slapped himself.</p><p>"Nah. We should probably go to recharge soon."</p><p>But Drift was having none of it.</p><p>"Why? We're not humans, we don't need recharge this often. Besides, recharging after a relaxing activity feels way better, don't you think?"</p><p>And the medic could only sigh in response to Drift and to his own stupidity as well. He was not supposed to bring this up but he was so distracted he made the only mistake he had to focus on not committing. He knew there would be no possibility for him to talk Drift out of this so he just complied. </p><p>Maybe due to the time being the first hours of human activity, there would be less amount of people who could ruin this and more places without any of them at all. He doubted Drift would want to be in presence of those beings anyways. As far as Ratchet was concerned, the speedster was fond of the planet, not its habitants.</p><p>And so they set off, not before Ratchet catched Drift giving a last glance at those flowers. </p><p>It was indeed a long drive. The sun hit different in the so-called morning of this planet and neither of them complained about it. It was a thing they didn't feel very often on their platings, so it was kind of enjoyable and calming. But Ratchet didn't dwell on that for a long time, he didn't exactly miss this planet so it was kind of sad to think about the amount of things he grew fond of on his first time visiting this world. </p><p>Drift was silent and, honestly, the medic didn't want to talk anyways; he knew he would most probably say something he shouldn't about "that", so he just focused on leading the speedster to the least crowded areas, but what at the beginning was one of those places, it quickly became the opposite for human cars.</p><p>Suddenly, they were caught off in this random problem that apparently happened in the middle of the road and now caused a huge traffic that separated them for a moment. Ratchet didn't exactly panicked, he knew he could easily find Drift so he (almost instantly) began looking for him but when he saw he wasn't finding his partner as fast as he initially thought, he started asking for his location via Comms. And when Drift responded him with his current position, Ratchet belatedly realized about how close the place where the swordsmech decided to (oddly) park was to a crowded area. At that, the medic accelerated in order to reach him faster and go on their way back without  Drift having to hear anything that could possibly hurt him. </p><p>And Ratchet got just in time...</p><p>...to hear it.</p><p>"Yeah! That movie? The Deadlock one? It was way better than its preq-"</p><p>When Drift started slowly moving towards him and their way back, Ratchet stopped focusing on the conversation three random humans were having. He took it as a sign that the speedster had indeed heard that too. </p><p>Although they didn't really have the fault, the medic couldn't help but hate them right now. But he hated even more his own incapability of comforting Drift.</p><p>They didn't talk on their way back either but it was a lot more uncomfortable than before. Sometimes, the former CMO wished he could figure out Drift's thoughts as easily as he performed a surgery over a shattered T-Cog.</p><p>By the time they reached their ship, Ratchet kept feeling as clueless as when it all came down joors ago (it had been a long drive, after all) so when he saw Drift transforming and going towards the center of the field of flowers, where he used to meditate these last cycles, he just decided to leave him alone and go inside the ship instead, but after transforming back to root mode, he didn't get too comfortable due to his attempts at keeping an optic on his companion. And so far, he could only tell one thing: Drift was not meditating.</p><p>He wasn't so far from the reality. Drift was caught up in a loop that kept repeating that name over and over again.</p><p>It didn't really matter to him. Since the realization of the other day, he began to understand that Deadlock was a part of him and that trying to erase it (as he did for many years) was not the solution. So it didn't hit as hard now but he still couldn't figure out how to get out of that loop. </p><p>And in his unconsciousness, his first thought was to look with hate at that portion of black on his frame. The portion that reminded him of his past (original) colours. He wanted to scratch off that paint, get a new one, the same one he had after visiting the Crystal City. He didn't want this. </p><p>But he hadn't put black paint on himself just to do all that a few cycles later. He knew this would happen when he did it, it had been a deliberate decision. </p><p>But instead of that, he chose to just stare at his hand... And for a moment he saw Energon all over it. Fresh Energon. But he grounded himself at the feeling of something touching his chestplate.</p><p>It was that same hand, cleaned and spotless, the one touching that blank space on his chestplate. A space he knew Ratchet thought he had left out of habit. Only that he hadn't. </p><p>He had planned on coming back to the Autobots, on wearing that same badge. Drift never really stopped being an Autobot, but he couldn't bring himself to put that red symbol on him again. </p><p>But this may have been the sign he needed. A Primus-sent sign, he was sure.</p><p>When Drift went into the ship for the first time after their drive, Ratchet knocked out some things that were on the way of his awkward movements that tried to cover up for his shock at hearing Drift's footsteps suddenly way too close at his current position.</p><p>He didn't know why the mech wasn't a SpecOps already.</p><p>The speedster laughed lightly at him, apparently realizing what he was doing. </p><p>And his laugh and smile felt weird for Ratchet. So calmed and peaceful that it made one of the most beautiful pictures the medic ever saw.</p><p>But Ratchet snapped out of it before he would start drooling. </p><p>"I'm sorry I was watching you. I was just w-"</p><p>"Would you put the Autobot badge on me?"</p><p>And the only thing he could do, was to stare at him. </p><p>There was not even a drop of doubt on his voice. Not anymore. </p><p>Drift smiled warmly at him. As if the one needing reassuring was Ratchet and not the other way around. </p><p> </p><p>"...ok."</p>
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<a name="section0006"><h2>6. BACK HOME</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"Whatever makes you happy</p><p>whatever you want</p><p>You're so fuckin' special</p><p>I wish I was special"</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Drift was amazed. It was his first time being at "Swerve's" again after the last quantum jump and everyone seemed a lot more at ease than before so he got to actually enjoy the moment for once. </p><p>There were a lot of not-so subtle details that he had missed when he was away, like how Brainstorm and Perceptor were not only there (it was weird they left their labs) but together as well, the way Cyclonus and Tailgate looked at each other and how Whirl was being so friendly at them and a few of other things that kept catching his attention.</p><p>But what most caught him off guard was the fact that Rodimus and Megatron were dancing together at the center of the bar. Although Drift wouldn't call it a "dance" because it was mostly about the flamboyant captain (now co-captain) doing random movements that somehow went along with the music and his companion trying to keep up with him but utterly failing at every step. The swordsmech thought about how he hadn't seen his friend that happy for a long time; he supposed Rodimus had finally found the love of his life and had no shame in showing it to everyone on the ship.</p><p>He was happy for him. He deserved it. </p><p>"Hey."</p><p>The speedster searched for the owner of that lovely voice and found him right next to him.</p><p>"Hey." </p><p>"What are you looking at?"</p><p>Ratchet softly brushed Drift's hand.</p><p>"Nothing in particular."</p><p>The swordsmech took the other's hand in his, intertwining their fingers. </p><p>And he got lost at that. He never got tired of the beautiful picture their flawed hands made together. </p><p>"But I'm a creep</p><p>I'm a weirdo</p><p>What the hell am I doin' here?</p><p>I don't belong here</p><p>I don't belong here"</p>
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